All I can say is that I'm relieved after having told you all
that has to be said.. the things that have been bottled in my heart for a very long time, and only after 18 years of sustaining
it that I was given the strength and opportunity to do so.. and face to face.
Thank you very much for listening, I truly appreciate that.
I needed your understanding. And like I've said to you, I owe you that explanation. The explanation to justify
of my wrongdoing to you, the drastic action that I took that has led us to where we are today.. But please, I do
not want you to feel bad over what I had said.. That wasnt my intention of telling you.. I just wanted you
to know the reason why I did the things that I did to you 18 years ago.. Why I had left you in the dark without
any explanations.. It may be too late now, and it may be meaningless to you, but somehow deep in my conscience I know I just
needed to tell you.. I'm sorry..
Honestly, I never thought that I would have that moment yesterday
to tell you about everything.. I had never dreamed that the moment would come to me after 18 years of separation.
I often wonder and asked myself why now after 18 years..? Who would have thought that we'd bumped into each other
after so long..? I, for one, have never thought nor expect this to happen.. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant surprise
indeed..
People say that things always happened for a reason,
whether or not we know what reason lies behind it.. I suppose the same applies to us.. Maybe there's a blessing behind
our separation.. Who knows what may happen to us should we still be together today..
Frankly, if "today" does happen, in the presence of the two
of us together, I do hope that all will be well and beautiful.. As beautiful as how I have always hoped and imagined it to
be.. I used to dream, then, of how great it would be to be able to spend the rest of my life with the guy that I loved
so much.. You were the guy that stole my heart the first time I set my eyes on; you were my first love,
my first crush and craze.. I was the happiest person when you came into my life.. It was like a dream come true!
My prayers had been answered! I was blessed! What more could I ask for..? I don't need anything else.. I
don't want anything else.. You were my world.. My all.. My everything.. You made me complete.. I was
blissful!
Like everyone else, I always hoped and prayed that things
would turn out right between us.. I was so afraid of losing you.. I loved you so much that it hurts each time
we ended up fighting and arguing over little things.. As you know, the bickering took place towards the last few months of
our relationship.. I felt so pressured and suffocated when we fought.. I felt so sad and down.. What has
happened to us? What happened to those happy moments that we used to share?... We used to laugh and be merry.. we had
so much fun together.. I was happy to be with you, by your side.. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but little did I expect
this to happen.. Never, to be precise.
I never liked to argue with my loved ones..
and you were one of them. Your happiness was my main priority.. And as much as possible, I would try to hold back the
fight and conceal as much sadness within me.. I did this simply out of my love for you. I loved you so much
that I didnt want to hurt and burden you with our shortcomings.. You told me yesterday that it's not healthy to confine
everything (unhappiness) to ourselves; we ought to let it out by sharing it with others or express our dissatisfaction to
the person involved.. Lesson learned. Things could have turned out differently should that happens..
I couldnt agree more with you, but I suppose it's too late
for me to do that with you now. I should have done that way back then, but I didnt.. I dont know why.. Perhaps I was
too hurt that I couldnt bring myself to tell you then.. Perhaps the crack was already there, just awaiting for it to break..
And perhaps this was the fate that awaited us -- that we were not meant to be together, we were not meant for each other..
I continued to hope and pray that you'd come back
to me.. I told myself that if you really loved me and valued my love, you'd come back for me.. Hence, I waited with each passing
day for miracle to happen.. But it never did happen..
Instead, I was slapped with the fact that you had found
someone new to replace me, so soon.. It hurt me really bad to see how fast you erased me from your
life.. How easy and simple it was for you to do that.. It didnt take you long.. I know I had left you in
a lurch but it still cuts me deep to see you with my new replacement in front of my own eyes.. It
tortured me so much that I finally braved myself to take the courage to say it out loud that it was time for me
to let go and move forward..
Trust me, it was never easy to stop loving you.. It was
never easy to forget you too.. And it was even harder for me to accept the fact that it was over between
us.. These eyes have never stopped crying since that moment.. My heart was torn apart and ripped to pieces.. It
was so painful that often I would go to kubur arwah abah to seek solace and confide to him over the things that
had befallen me.. And it was only him that I shared my sorrow and misery with.. Only with arwah abah.. No
one else.. And it was at that time that I learned how to deal with this ordeal, picked up the pieces
of my broken heart and moved on..
Gosh, it was hard but I kept telling myself that there is
no point in waiting for the moon to fall.. That will never happen.. You have found a new love and you're not
turning back to me.. So there goes my chance of rekindling happiness with you.. You may say that I deserved
it but perhaps it was our ego and pride that's to be blamed.. Sad to say, bottomline, I guess this was
all fated..
Moving forward, please dont think that I could stop loving
you overnight.. You were someone whom I have grown to love with all my heart.. and you had a very special place
in my heart.. There wasn't anyone else, just you..
... And now, after having said all that has to be said, once
again, from the bottom of my heart, I seek your forgiveness for all my wrongdoing and shortcomings during the times that we
were together.. I really hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.. That would mean a lot to
me..
And last but not least, I thank you for all the love that
you have given me.. It's a very special gift that I would treasure until the day I close my eyes.. I know my words could
never thank you enough for all that you've done for me.. You've made me a very happy person once, and I hope
I have, in some little ways or another, made you happy too, if not much..
Please know that I'm really glad that you were a part of my
life.. Those days with you had been beautiful for me.. Picture perfect! And although I was NEVER your
1st best, your presence in my life had made it more colourful.. I know I am not the kind of girl that you would
fall for and I know I have nothing to offer you; no looks nor wealth. What I have was just a heart full
of love, only for you.. But was that enough for you..? Only you knew the answer..
And now, before I end, I want you to remember
this until the end of time -- I want you to know that I have NEVER regretted loving you.. Please, never ever think otherwise.
There has NEVER been a moment in my life then that I hated you or didnt love you. Never. In fact,
you were one of the best things that has ever happened to me.. Really. So please, if it's not too much for me to ask,
promise me that you'll never forget that, k?..
Just me,
.. your "Dear" .. the girl that you once loved ..
